This is a story I wrote back in '10 after sitting through a preach by one Mike Sprenger (A.K.A - The most hilarious man alive) My friend Peace wrote like two lines to balance out some of the violent content (The pencil bit).
Anyways, enjoy!
There once was a grey haired forty-something year old man named Michael Sprenger (or Mike, for short) who one day came to Jubilee Church to preach about invisible trumpets and make brilliant plane and boat whooshing sounds whilst praying for people. Then after church I went into town, came back, saw him, and actually talked to him (HAH take that Gill Peace). But as he was on his way home by train (yes, he told me he was going home by train), his journey was suddenly halted. Sprenger was infuriated as he was in the middle of a Sudoku puzzle when his pencil flung out of his hand, and had accidentally got lodged in the person adjacent to him’s eyeball.
“Arggh! Please watch where you’re flinging pencils sir.” The man exclaimed.
Sprenger quickly prayed for healing whilst making his whooshing noises.
“Apologies. I wonder what happened to the train.” replied Sprenger after the man's eyeball had magically got a big monster plaster on it.
Immediately he got up, spun round a bit, and-
“Could everyone turn around for a few minutes please. Thanks.”
Transformed into Sprengerman!
“Hey, where’d that flingy pencil guy go?” Asked the man, still with the pencil stuck in his eye, not seeming to be that bothered anymore.
“He uh, jumped out the window cause um…the stock markets crashed…again.” replied Sprengerman.
“But the windows don’t ope-”
“I don’t have time to talk!” yelled Sprengerman, as he ran into the next train car.
There was a prolonged awkward silence in the car Sprengerman had just run out of. Suddenly, a tall businessman quickly stood up.
“Oh Dear Lord! The stock markets have crashed?! Again?!” he shrieked, then launched himself through the window.
Spengerman ran through the car, then came to a ladder. He climbed up, but as he got to the top, the steps all simultaneously snapped in half, and he fell, miraculously landing on his head. He then tried at the ladder again, and climbed up the side, out the roof.
“Blimey, it’s a bit chilly.” mumbled Sprengerman to himself.
“Sprengerman!” yelled an annoying shrill voice from behind.
He quickly turned, and ambled back in horror, as a Subo-droid approached him.
“Gasp!”
“Did you just say gasp?” asked the Subo-droid.
“Erm, yes. Yes I did.”
“Right...anyway, I’m going to order my army of super intelligent polka-dot elephants to take over this train and brainwash everyone to listen to my terrible music.”
“Dear Janine! You can’t do that! It’s too terrible!!” screamed Sprengerman.
The train suddenly started tipping over. He looked over the side and spotted several elephants pushing it. The whole thing tipped over.
“Arggh! My sub-sandwich! That costed me £8.75!!” yelled a voice from inside.
Sprengerman spotted a car in the distance racing towards the train. As it grew closer and closer, he contemplated stopping it with his super-strength, but came to the conclusion that he couldn’t be bothered. The car struck the train, and a tall man with a hat came out.
“Ugh, I hate my life so much. Stuff always goes wrong when you’re Albert S. Stevensonanderstokenacrobergonson.
“Hey you!” shouted Sprenger. “What do you know about Elephants?”
The Subo-droid stepped forward.
“That’s super intelligent polka-dot Eleph-.”
“Silence Subo-droid!!” yelled Sprenger in her face. “Well?”
“I don’t flippin' know.” shouted Albert back. “I don‘t study them. What kind of nerd studies Elephants”
The Subo-droid stepped forward again.
“Super intel-hey, why the heck am I still here?”
She ran off the side of the train and flew away, narrowly missing an electric telephone wire.
“Hoo, that was clo-” suddenly, a business class jet sucked her into the turbine.
“Ouch.” mumbled Sprengerman. “Now, about these Elephants. Albert, can you be extremely aggressively depressing towards them? They might stop then.”
“Uh, k.” He turned towards the Elephants.
“Your life is worthless. You don’t have a purpose. All you do is live and die. You may as well jump off a cliff, no-one would notice. That’s right, no one.”
The Elephants stopped pushing the train, and all ran away…in the direction of the Cliffside.
“Hey Al, do you know where they might be running to?” asked Sprenger.
“Er, no.” replied Albert.
“Right then. Well, that solves that.”
“Uh, bye then.”
Albert got into his car and drove away into the distance.
“My work here is done.” Sprengerman said proudly as he stood atop the train
Suddenly a mysterious bald man appeared from out of no-where and everyone on the train ran up to him and slapped his head.
THE END
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